Humor... WARNING PG-13 Material

Confucius Say:
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Virginity like bubble
one prick, all gone.
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Man who run in front of car
get tired.
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Man who run behind car
get exhausted.
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Man with hand in pocket
feel cocky all day.
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Foolish man give wife grand piano
wise man give wife upright organ.
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Man with one chopstick
go hungry.
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Man who scratch ass
should not bite fingernails.
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Man who eat many prunes
get good run for money.
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Baseball is wrong
man with four balls cannot walk.
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War does not determine who is right,
war determine who is left.
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Wife who put husband in doghouse
soon find him in cathouse.
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Man who fight with wife all day
get no piece at night.
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It take many nails to build crib
but one screw to fill it.
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Man who drive like hell
bound to get there.
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Man who stand on toilet
is high on pot.
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Man who live in glass house
should change clothes in basement.
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Man who fish in other man's well
often catch crabs.
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Man who fart in church
sit in own pew.
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Crowded elevator smell different
to midget.
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Girl who fly plane upsidedown
have big crack up!
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Person who is not laughing at this
has no humor!!!

That's pretty good stuff, Lady. No telling where or who you got them from, since that stuff spreads like a wildfire.

Great ones Ann! Laughed my head off....

Nicolette
(Game Nurse)

War does not determine who is right, war determine who is left - that is actually a very famous quote by Bertrand Russell in War and Peace. The line is 'War does not determine who is right - only who is left'.

My personal fave was always: Man who go to sleep with itchy asshole wake up with stinky finger.

I have some stuff to contribute to this, but it's not any Confuscious sayings. It's called "Learn Chinese in 5 Minutes" and I found it on funnyjunk.com at a friend's request. Go there and look at the Top Pictures column, it's usually the 6th or so one down. You HAVE to read them out loud.

There was one saying that I wanted to try, but I knew I'd get barked at for it. So I'm not even gonna try it. Maybe over vent as a joke, but not here.

From Lady H:

Lol...well I am glad all liked this...and thank you all for your edit...PG13...Although,I tell you...the way Gunter is with 10 year old son if his understanding of these jokes is an indication of what kids 10 years old know...we better change my subject to say PG10!

Lol..Scion, I love your version: My personal fave was always: Man who go to sleep with itchy asshole wake up with stinky finger.

From Lady H

Well Adrain, we can start a funny joke thread, PG 13. You can start it!

God said, 'Adam, I
Want you to do
Something for Me.'

Adam said, 'Gladly,
Lord, what do You
Want me to do?'

God said, 'Go down
Into that valley.'

Adam said, 'What's a Valley?'

God explained it to
Him. Then God said,
'Cross the river.'

Adam said, 'What's a River?'

God explained that
To him, and then said,
'Go over to the hill....'

Adam said , 'What is a
Hill?'

So, God explained to
Adam what a hill was.

He told Adam, 'On
The other side of the
Hill you will find a
Cave.'

Adam said, 'What's a
Cave?'

After God explained,
He said, 'In the cave
You will find a woman.'

Adam said, 'What's a Woman?'

So God explained
That to him, too.

Then, God said, 'I
Want you to
Reproduce.'

Adam said, 'How do
I do that?'

God first said (under
His breath), 'Geez....'

And then, just like Everything else, God Explained that to
Adam, as well.

So, Adam goes down
Into the valley,

Across the river, and
Over the hill, into the
Cave, and finds the
Woman.

Then, in about five Minutes, he was back.

God, His patience
Wearing thin, said
Angrily, 'What is it
Now?'

And Adam said....

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(YOU'RE GOING TO
LOVE THIS!!!!!!)

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'What's a headache?'

Blasphemous

Pampered

15 Things you should tell your daughter


1. Don't imagine you can change a man - unless he's in diapers.

2. What do you do if your boyfriend walks-out? You shut the door behind him.

3. If they can put a man on the moon -- they should put them all up there.

4. Never let your man's mind wander - it's too little to be out alone.

5. Go for younger men. You might as well - they never mature anyway.

6. Men are all the same - they just have different faces, so we can tell them apart.

7. Definition of a bachelor; a man who has missed the opportunity to make some woman miserable.

8. Women don't make fools of men - most of them are the do-it-yourself types.

9. Best way to get men to do something, is to suggest they are too old for it.

10. Love is blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.

11. If you want a committed man, look in a mental hospital.

12. The children of Israel wandered around the desert for 40 years. Even in biblical times, men wouldn't ask for directions.

13. If he asks what sort of books you're interested in, tell him cheque books.

14. Remember, a sense of humour does not mean that you tell him jokes, it means that you laugh at his.

15. Sadly, all men are created equal.

CINDERELLA AND BOB

Cinderella is now 95 years old.

After a fulfilling life with the now dead prince, she happily sits upon her rocking chair, watching the world go by from her front porch, with a cat named Bob for companionship. One sunny afternoon out of nowhere, appeared the fairy godmother.
Cinderella said, "Fairy Godmother, what are you doing here after all these years?"

The fairy godmother replied, "Cinderella, you have lived an exemplary life since I last saw you. Is there anything for which your heart still yearns?"

Cinderella was taken aback, overjoyed, and after some thoughtful consideration, she uttered her first wish: The prince was wonderful, but not much of an investor. I'm living hand to mouth on my disability checks, and I wish I were wealthy beyond comprehension."

Instantly her rocking chair turned into solid gold.
Cinderella said, "Ooh, thank you, Fairy Godmother"

The fairy godmother replied, "It is the least that I can do.
What do you want for your second wish?"

Cinderella looked down at her frail body, and said , "I wish I were young and full of the beauty and youth I once had."
At once, her wish became reality, and her beautiful young visage returned.
Cinderella felt stirrings inside of her that had been dormant for years .

And then the fairy godmother spoke once more: "You have one more wish; what shall it be?"

Cinderella looks over to the frightened cat in the corner and says, "I wish for you to transform Bob, my old cat, into a kind and handsome young man."

Magically, Bob suddenly underwent so fundamental a change in his biological make-up that, when he stood before her, he was a man so beautiful the likes of him neither she nor the world had ever seen.

The fairy godmother said, "Congratulations, Cinderella, enjoy your new life."
With a blazing shock of bright blue electricity, the fairy godmother was gone as suddenly as she appeared.

For a few eerie moments, Bob and Cinderella looked into each other's eyes. Cinderella sat, breathless, gazing at the most beautiful! , stunni ngly perfect man she had ever seen.

Then Bob walked over to Cinderella, who sat transfixed in her rocking chair. He held her close in his young muscular arms.

He leaned in close, blowing her golden hair with his warm breath as he whispered...


"Bet you're sorry now that you had me castrated!!"